Celebrity Shot

This is Ryan, I've been the third wheel on J & O's honeymoon for the last six weeks and these are some of the things that I've learned:

- If you feel something crawl across your feet in the middle of the night, but it weighs less than a pound, it's not worth looking to find out what it was.

- No matter how pissed off Jen might get she's easily calmed by a fat grin and head-waggle.

- Gin is poison. And if a guy who weighs 22 stone tries to get you to keep pace with pints, do not even try. I'm glad I was only around their English friends for two weeks or I might have needed a liver transplant.

- If you think you saw a medium-sized black cat run out in front of you, it wasn't a cat.

- Oli knows how to make your feet feel goooood.

- Your skin can start to smell of curry after only two days of pure Indian cuisine.

- While not showering for two days will get you extra space on the bus in Los Angeles the same is not true in India.

- If you are white man wearing a dhoti (basically a dress folded up like a skirt for men) locals will stare and giggle. If you are a ginger (red hair, freckles) they will ask to have their picture taken with you.

- Squat toilets are reason enough to be thankful for being born in a Western society.

- While it might feel manly to order prawns the size of your hand the ones that are like big fingers have more taste.

- Prawns in England are not prawns but itty bitty teeny frozen shrimp.

- Farting is always funny. Rumblers are funnier.

- The soft flab of skin over the triceps does not bruise when you pinch it.

- Jen thinks that all baby animals are cute. Including flea-infested kittens and mangy puppies.

- There is no need to refer to the travel guide as the "Lonely Planet." While talking to other travelers you can say "I read in the Bible..." and everybody will know what you're talking about.

- McDonalds in India does not serve beef, but you can still get a Big Mac.

- Sitting on the back row of a bus is better than any roller coaster at Magic Mountain.

- Cockroaches make good shower buddies. Sometimes when they fly to the opposite side of the shower it's like they're singing the harmony.

- If someone approaches you on the street and says you've got something in your ear it is not a courtesy. Be prepared to have them stick metal things in your ears, pull out ungodly amounts of wax and charge you 1000 Rs. Oli learned the hard way.

- If you normally only have one Coke per month be prepared, on average, to drink about five a day.

- "Anchorman" quotes are always relevant.

- Watching chickens eat trash on the side of the road makes you think twice about being a vegetarian.

- Packing extra pairs of socks is a bad decision when you wear flip-flops every day. Pack extra skivvies instead.

- Speaking of flip-flops: duct tape is a gift from Mount Olympus.

- Always have plenty of rolls of white gold.

- While being a third wheel the most important piece of equipment you carry are your big-ass noise-canceling headphones.

- United Airlines does not give free booze to economy class on international flights.

- The yoga instructor will always make it look soooo easy.

- If you start to feel alone in the world the thought of a Double Double and animal style fries from In N Out upon return to California will cure any depression.

- Double Double deserves double the bullet points.

- While it might seem like a cool idea at first growing a beard on holiday is probably better suited for cooler climes.

I had a lot of fun traveling with the two of them. I think they expected me to add a degree of crazy but India is not the place to go nuts. For one thing I don't think they expected to have only two nights of beer while I was here (and a reasonable three beers at that.) I'm glad they convinced me not to take a job my heart wasn't into so I could fly half-way across the world at the last minute and see a side of life that is completely different than anything I've ever seen before. So it is with a heavy heart that I take my own way and head back to the United States and once again be insanely jealous at what they've been managing to do for a half-year and still have the guts to keep going for another half.